Superhero

It's been almost a year since my son was diagnosed with ADHD. He's always been very energetic even in the womb. He was kicker and roller. He still is and he is now Five years old. I always had an inkling that something was different even when people all around me were telling me "oh it's just a boy thing or he will grow out of it" But a Mother knows. A mother knows her child better than she knows herself, she recognizes every little emotion that flickers across their face. She knows when they are hurt and not just physically.

I went through denial, i had all these dreams of what my son would be like, How effortlessly smart he would be, everything would come easy to him i thought, he was going to be different than i was. Different he is and he is Smart, he always surprises me with something he does or says. Things dont come easy though, it's hard. He tries so hard and i am so proud of him. When he gets discouraged it breaks my heart because i know he is capable, i just wish HE knew that as well as i do. He doesn't understand why he it's harder to sit still,harder to be quiet and harder to focus. I wont say CANT because i know he CAN it's just harder.

When he first started medication the very first time i gave him his pill he looked up at me so curious and asked 'mommy when will i get better?". The pang i felt in my heart almost took me to my knees. I had to get it together and i told him that he wasn't sick he just needs a lil extra help calming down because he was blessed with soooo much energy and the rest of us just cant keep up, and it will take lots of hard work but i know we can do it! That was a good enough answer for him but not for me, i wanted to know what to do to help him and i wanted to know EVERYTHING. I wanted to be sure there was nothing i had not already tried. I want to give him every chance.

I did research i read article after article, i read the side effects of his medications a million times. When the first medication he was on made him lose too much weight, he wasn't his happy self and it made him have a rapid heartbeat. Seeing him strapped to a table, terrified with wires on him so his heart could be checked was when i started thinking 'Is this even worth it?" I wanted to cry with him right then and there because i was terrified too but it was just he and i in the doctors office that day and i had to keep it together for him. I had him taken off that medication immediately, NOTHING on this earth is worth putting my child's life at risk.

We have found a new medication and it's given us a happy medium, he is happy, his heart is good and he can focus. I hope it stays this way. He has made leaps and bounds in school. He won the builder award at his preschool graduation and he is a master at puzzles. To me that is amazing because both of those things require patience and focus. His teacher was amazing, during one of our first meetings she said something that stays with me still" He didn't ask for all his energy, he didn't ask for it to be hard to focus, We cant blame the victim here, we can only do everything we can to help him be the best he can be" and with that i knew she was on our side. I wasn't a lone warrior in this fight to free my son from the ties that binded him. Or was it the ties that binded us? Maybe......Maybe it's us, he has to learn to live with us, US, people that don't have as much energy as he does.

My son has said " i feel like a superhero!!" as he runs through the living room bouncing on my couch cushions. I wonder where did this superhuman energy come from? Is this a curse? A blessing? Evolution? Whatever it is i want him to use it for good. His favorite superhero is Spider Man and Peter Parker's grandfather tells him "With Great Power comes great responsibility" So for my son "With great energy comes great responsibility" Responsibility to know when to use it and when not. Responsibility for me as a mother to help him live with his ADHD. To Help US live with his ADHD.

I don't ever want my son to feel out of place or different, He knows he is one of a kind as we all are right? He's my baby boy, my only son. My little guy. As his mother i want him to know that when things get hard for him i will always be there as long as I'm alive, when he gets frustrated i don't want him to give up because i will never give up on him. He will be everything he is meant to be and he will be the best at whatever it is. If i have to fight through hell and raging waters he WILL be. There is no other option.

I know i cant always fight his fights for him, or always make things easier on him but if there is something i can do, you can bet your last dollar that i will do it, I will do it for my baby.

                                                        
It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that
You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I wont let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it
Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont
Rascal Flatts – I Won’t Let Go Lyrics

The Bonus Kid

The other day i mentioned to someone that My kids really missed Hadley when she wasn't here, Hadley is my boyfriends 10 year old daughter and he gets her every other weekend. I'm not naming any names here but the other person said to me "that is so weird, i don't think i would miss my boyfriends daughter i think i would like having just MY kids around i mean it would feel intrusive like if i have a routine with my own kids then have to change it up for someone Else's kid would really bother me, i could never be with someone who already had kids with someone else" So i sat for awhile after that trying to find the punch line in it and when i couldn't i felt really bad for that other person. I felt bad because maybe they don't have an open heart, maybe they only feel  that way because they don't know the joy a "bonus kid can bring" I mean i didn't have to carry her for 9 months, i didn't have to give birth to her i didn't have to spend sleepless nights caring for her as a newborn but i have respect for the woman that did because i know about those days from my own two kids and i thank her for raising an amazing young lady.

The first year with Hadley was hard i was trying to do everything i could to make sure she liked me and be sure i didn't step on any ones toes, As a mother to a son who has a stepmother i know what it's like to worry about how this other woman is treating your kid. So i know it's not really my place to "mother" Hadley i can be her friend and i can look out for her and want whats best for her, that's all i can rightfully offer. At first i would tell my boyfriend i love her because i love you, but that is not true as these years have flown by i can say that i love her because of who she is, she is the best big sister i could have ever asked for my kids.

When i was pregnant with my daughter i was worried Hadley would be jealous, she was the only girl "daddy's little girl" and i didn't want her to feel like this new little person would take her place. Even though Hadley wanted a little sister so badly she even made me a card before we found out the sex of our baby that said "It's a girl" That card is now in my daughter's baby box. When my daughter was born i was so surprised by Hadley the second she walked in the door and saw her little sister for the first time it was love. She wanted to be around her all the time she wanted to help take care of her, she wanted to take her home with her lol.

My son who drives her up the wall every chance he gets mentioned that he wished she were here so she would jump on the trampoline with him, i said well when she is here you two fight sometimes" and he said "but mom she is my best friend" and that she is, in my sons journal from school there was a picture of him and his best friend playing with cars and under the picture it said "me and Hadley". So i thought what if i were like that other person who said they could never be with someone who already had a child, my son wouldn't have a best friend, my daughter wouldn't have her big sister and i wouldn't have someone who likes the same reality shows that i do during the summer. I know that seems silly i mean she is only 10 so maybe that means she is wise beyond her years OR that i need to change my taste in TV shows lol!

She is growing up, she is into boys now and texts on her phone and gets annoyed when i bug her about it. I know that someday my own daughter will go through those changes and it will break my heart just like it breaks a little piece of my heart now with Hadley because it doesn't stop all kids grow up and it goes by so fast. It pains me to see them growing up so fast but it would kill me if they didn't get the chance to. So i count my blessings and I'm thankful for all the screaming matches, for all the rolled eyes, for all the doors slammed, for all the huffing and puffing when i tell them to clean their rooms/ change their clothes/ share a toy/ and go to bed.

I fully expect for Hadley to be horrified at this post and it just makes me want to publish it even faster :-)

So I'll leave you with this.......... "While we try to teach Children all about life, Children teach us what life is all about"